I miss my Esperoza… and I felt the need to write about my emotions.
I miss everything: the rehearsals, making music, live shows, nerves, recording music, people, shooting videos, figuring out how to do promotions, searching musicians, playing music, writing lyrics, and even failed expectations, I miss everything about my Esperoza.
Recently I had an audition for a band, I don’t think I have rights to say about this, but as long as I don’t say names I think it’s fine. I mentioned to them that I have… (and stumbled), or had a band, because I didn’t know which word I should use to describe the situation in my band. I don’t know anymore if I still have it or not… Today I had a severe strike of nostalgia, which happens lately quite often, I watched some Esperoza videos, some unreleased videos, some music, and almost cried. And of course you can ask me, why then you not restarting your band or not continue doing something, well the answer is very complex for that question, and it’s hard to explain it, but I just can’t, or at least for a moment. Of course I could’ve said that as I am living now in a new country I don’t know anyone, and I need to start everything anew and stuff like that, but that would be a lie, that’s not the real problem here… The real problem is bigger than me, than music, than rehearsals, shows, musicians, money, the real problem is Esperoza itself, I don’t expect you to understand, but just summing up, Esperoza has destroyed every aspects of my life throughout these years, it destroyed: my health, my love for music (which was the most sacred thing in my life), almost destroyed my relationships, and relations with so many people, that’s just to name a few most important ones, but the problems were just countless in literary EVERY aspect of my life. And when I renounced of doing anything or even thinking about Esperoza, my life slowly started to recover from all this absurd nightmare.
And yet I still love my Esperoza after all of this. I think it’s like to love your abuser, who torturing you and you still have feeling for them, that’s really weird, never thought that something like this would ever happen to me.
And I should add that I don’t feel anything even close to other projects, so this feeling is one of a kind, and irreplaceable. For now I can just live with this dilemma and painfully torment myself because of my incapability to make a choice…
I don’t want to talk more about this, I will still hope that one day suddenly everything will change and Esperoza will be less mean to me and I will start everything where I left it, or I will finally find courage in myself to renounce of it for good.
But for now the answer is remaining the same, whether I have, or had a band?…